Dealing with Our Hoarding Tendencies
Becoming more mindful this new year with our possessions
For many of us, our 2019 resolution will include clearing clutter from our homes. In fact, organizing and clearing clutter is the second-most popular new year’s resolution in America. (Losing weight comes in first)
In the last 50 years, the average American home size has doubled and about 25% of American families own garages filled to a point where they cannot fit any of their cars.
This is a problem.
When it comes to my family, they hoard everything. Not as bad as the television show Hoarders, but stuff is everywhere. There are piles of paper in random corners of the house, bags of stuff shoved into every cabinet possible and each table top has turned into additional storage. After decades of slowly accumulating stuff, my childhood home has turned into a live-in storage unit.
But you know what, this used to be me.
When I was moving out of my apartment in San Diego (I had been in San Diego for almost seven years), it took four truckloads to move my stuff out of my studio apartment. My 400 square-foot studio apartment.
The mountain of stuff I had hidden collectively under my bed, in every square inch of my closet and cabinet had me speechless. I realized that I was not the conscious consumer that I had thought I was, but another closet hoarder just like my family. That moment was exactly what I had needed to start decluttering my life.
Coming from an immigrant home, hoarding is survival. Especially when dollars are scarce, every item is precious. It’s not a matter of being messy, but a means to stretch every dollar and resource as far as it can go. Every time I was faced with the decision of throwing something away, guilt would crush every bit of motivation to minimize my belongings. I used to keep every bag from every store “just in case” until I had boxes of just… bags.
After two cross-country moves (San Diego to New York to San Francisco), I’ve learned the art of minimizing to make each move easier. It’s been a huge mental hurdle to overcome, but it is possible.
For anyone looking to declutter this new year, here are four lessons I’ve learned over the years:
1. Start with Categories
As many of you know I’m obsessed with Marie Kondo’s book: The Life-Changing Tip of Tidying Up.
This book walks you through bringing more joy into your life by clearing clutter through the KonMari method. Instead of organizing room by room, the idea is to organize by category.
For example, the KonMari method starts with clothing. Collect all your clothes from every single room and lay it all out. You’ll see how much stuff you have and can truly evaluate how many of each item you truly need.
My come-to-Jesus moment in San Diego was when I faced the mountain of stuff I had accumulated. Going category by category is helpful to show you:
- How much of an item you have.
(Do you really need 50 shirts?) - Uncover some of your hidden items.
(Do you really need to keep that sock after years of hiding?) - Designating a home for each item in your house.
(Do you really need to store towels in every drawer of your house?)
Although it may look like a mess at first, trust in the process and it will be organized.
I’m so excited for her Netflix series that was just launched a few weeks ago. If you have an hour to spare, I highly recommend it. (Eight episodes, 40 minutes each.) I’ve been trying to get my family to read her book for years without success. One evening, I snuck in an episode together during our TV time and lo-and-behold, my family was inspired to start organizing. Go figure.
Do: Organize by categories based on what you have the least attachment towards. You want to first build momentum. Avoid sentimental items first as you will stall and become quickly exhausted and unmotivated.
2. Focus on the Little Wins
When decluttering, especially with others, focusing on the little wins helps to motivate and build lasting habits.
One thing I’m learning with my family is to stop lecturing. I was trying to find different ways to say “stop hoarding” each time and it wasn’t resonating. When it comes to lecturing, I don’t feel good after it and my family surely does not feel good after listening. Shifting my focus to the little wins was to point out small moments of decluttering and to provide an appreciation for when things were being thrown away.
When it comes to you, understand that decluttering is a life-long process. Especially if your family has been hoarding for generations, that visceral anxiety you feel when throwing things away has been conditioned over decades.
Understand that it’s impossible to go from extreme hoarder to extreme minimalist overnight. Instead, celebrate the moments that you tidy up the room and thank yourself when putting an item back to it’s “home”. (Each item should have a designated spot in your house)
Do: Approach decluttering with kindness. Use positive affirmation to help motivate both yourself and others you are organizing with.
3. Find a Balance
Ultimately, find a balance in the number of items you keep relative to how often or frequently you use it.
One thing I like to do is to work backward. For me, I set a limit of how many items I keep (up to a year’s worth).
When it comes to my bag-hoarding tendencies, I realized that if I only reuse bags once or twice a month, I only need 12 bags max. Anything more is excessive and simply a fantasy.
You can apply the same principle to just about anything else. Pens, shirts, jeans, Tupperware, anything else that you find you have an excessive amount of.
Working backward has helped me to reduce the anxiety when throwing things away. It is being more mindful and honest with myself about my use.
Do: Find a balance with your excess items. Work backward and keep things up to a few months to a year.
4. Forgive and Let Go
A lot of what we hold onto without rational meaning usually has a bit of guilt associated with it. Unworn clothes with the tags still on or hoarding every bag from every store.
Forgive yourself. It’s ok to let go. Even if it’s still brand new, don’t let past decisions dictate your future.
Marie Kondo has a beautiful exercise where you hold each item and thank it before letting it go. I absolutely love this exercise and it helps to establish peace and close our relationships with our material belongings.
Do: If you haven’t used a product in a year, let it go. If you are thinking about it, let it go.
Decluttering has been a process for me, but I will attest — it has definitely brought me more joy and appreciation for what I have. I am much more picky about what I take in and a lot more creative with how I use the items that I own.
Ultimately, find a process that works for you. You are welcome to take recommendations from me, Marie Kondo or anyone to declutter but at the end of the day, something that works for you, works for YOU.
Do you have any tips for decluttering? Have a family with hoarding tendencies? Let me know! I’m curious to hear your story.
As always — thank you for reading! Your time is extremely valuable and I appreciate you taking the time to read.
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Hope you have a beautiful day ahead. You deserve it!
Cheers,
Steven
